The one with a murderous llama

I dreamed that I was at my childhood home in Fresno. I could hear some noises outside so I looked through a window and I saw an angry llama looking back at me. It actually looked like a camel (it was not furry and it had a hump), but in my dream I knew that it was a llama.

I knew that the llama's goal was to kill me by kicking me in my adam's apple. I ran through the house trying to find a place where the llama could not find me, but no matter where I went in the house I could see the llama outside through the windows glaring back at me. I knew that it was only a matter of time before it busted down a door and started to attack me.

I locked myself in a bathroom that only had one small 1.5' x 2' window that was frosted glass. I knew that the llama would not be able to see me through the window and I hoped that it would not think to look for me in the bathroom. But it knew where I was. It smashed the small window with its front hooves and started trying to squeeze through the opening. I could see the hatred in its eyes as it glared at me. I knew there was nowhere I could hide. I cowered in the corner of the bathroom and awaited the inevitable.

The llama finally smashed its way through the window opening and came at me. Its hooves came right at my face and neck and I woke up right before it struck.

Dreamed just before Thanksgiving 2014

The one where I am a fire ant colony coordinator

I dreamed that I was asked to serve in our church as the Stake Fire Ant Colony Coordinator. The calling sounded like it would be a lot of work but I agreed to do it anyway.

The person who extended the calling to me took me out back, behind the Stake Center building to show me the fire ant colonies. There were 7 or 8 really large home-made, wooden ant farms back there. They were each about 8 feet tall and 8 feet wide.

I got closer so I could inspect the ant colonies. I watched the fire ants scurry around for a little while and I started to notice that the ant farms were overcrowded. They were absolutely packed with fire ants. I also noticed that the fire ants seemed to be trying to find a way to escape from the ant farms, which was alarming. If that many fire ants escaped from the colonies they could harm a lot of people and do quite a bit of damage.

As I continued to watch, I noticed several large tarantulas that were also inside the ant farms. At first I thought that the ants would attack and devour the tarantulas, but as I observed them I realized that the ants were actually training the tarantulas to act as troop carriers. The tarantulas were large enough that each one could carry several dozen ants on their backs and deploy those ants quickly anywhere the ants wanted. The ants weren't merely trying to escape, they were planning to take over the world!

I decided that the best course of action was for me to stop the ants before they became powerful enough to escape from the farms. The best way to do that would be to kill as many of them as possible with Raid. I quickly drove to Home Depot and bought several cans of Raid, and then returned to the ant farms. As I held the cans of Raid up and pointed them towards the ant farms I felt a little guilty. I had been given the responsibility of caring for the ants and I was about to massacre them. On the other hand, the ants were trying to take over the world. And spraying them with Raid would likely not kill ALL of them, which would make taking care of them MUCH easier. I again felt guilty for putting laziness above my responsibility for taking care of the ants, but in the end laziness won out.

I sprayed the ant farms and that killed off about 90% of them. After that they were much easier to take care of and they gave up on their dreams of world domination.

Dream date unknown, but probably some time in 2016

The one with the toilet hot tub

I dreamed that I became ultra-rich. I was so rich that I bought my own personal cruise ship. For some reason, I retrofitted one of the hot tubs so that it was a giant toilet. It still looked like a hot tub, but it could be flushed.

I always invited lots of other people to join me on my cruise ship, but they would constantly be getting into my toilet hot tub. Every few minutes I would have to chase them out by yelling, "Hey! Get out of my toilet!" They would whine and complain while they got out, and then they would watch for the first opportunity when I wasn't looking so they could get back in.

Meanwhile, an epidemic of obesity and depression hit the world. I decided to embark on a quest in my cruise ship to find the cure. I sailed all over the world looking for the cure, but I spent most of my time yelling, "Hey! Get out of my toilet!"

Fortunately, someone named Paul who was a karate instructor decided to give everyone free karate lessons. He sent a text to everyone in the world saying, "Free karate lessons. -Paul" Taking karate lessons cured the epidemic and everyone cheered. The end.

Dreamed on 10/26/2019

The one where I totally know state secrets

I had a dream that I was getting a haircut at Alicia Smith's house (I had an actual haircut scheduled there two days later so that may be what prompted the dream). While getting my hair cut I discovered that she was really a North Korean spy. So naturally she would ask me various questions, pretending like she was making small talk, but I knew in reality she was digging for information. So I had to be careful while answering the questions so that I would not reveal any state secrets.

I told Jennifer that dream and she rolled her eyes and said, "As if you would know any important state secrets." I told Alicia Smith the dream and she laughed and said, "As if you would know any important state secrets."

Dreamed on 10/21/2019

The one where I save Great Britain

I dreamed that we went on a family vacation to London. When I opened my suitcase to get dressed the first day, I found that I had only packed clothes that were shades of teal and turquoise. I tried to find Jennifer to ask her what matched but I couldn't find her, so I picked out some turquoise and light blue camo shorts and a teal button up short-sleeved shirt. I was pretty sure that they didn't match, but I didn't know for sure so I just went with it. (By the way, when I told this dream to Jennifer and Sarah and mentioned the clothes that I picked out they both groaned.)

We decided to go on a tour of a battleship owned by the British Navy while we were there. In the middle of the tour we started to hear explosions around the battleship. It turned out that the Chinese had declared war on the British and were firing explosive shells at the battleship. The battleship was launched into the English Channel to fight back. They were shooting their large guns towards China to try to take out the Chinese guns before the Chinese could sink the battleship. I spent most of the time cowering in a corner hoping to not be hit by one of the falling shells.

Fortunately for us, the British won the war and the battleship headed back in to port. We helped tie the ship up at the dock. Then the Queen of England arrived and greeted each person as they got off the battleship to thank them for their service and help in the war. When she got to me she paused as she looked at my shorts and shirt, but then she smiled, thanked me, and awarded me a commemorative snow globe ornament.

 

Dreamed on 11/4/2019

The one where I'm in a cooking show

I had a dream that Jennifer and I were the two finalists in a cooking show. For the final competition we were supposed to make chicken burritos.

We were each given a medium sized glass mixing bowl, a large plastic spoon, and a sharp knife. There was a machine that would dispense a new ingredient to us every few minutes that we needed to use in our burritos.

Here are the ingredients that we were given:
2 oreo cookies with no cream
2 oreo cookies with cream
1/2 cup sour cream
1 cup cafe rio tomatillo dressing
1 cup cooked chicken
1 cup pinto beans
1 baby blanket (optionally sterilized in a microwave)
2 full sized blankets
4 warm tortillas

I chopped the first two oreo cookies very finely so they would add a bit of sweetness to my burritos but not add crunch. But I decided that I did not want to add the other two oreos because I was afraid that would make the burritos too sweet.

I opted to sterilize my baby blanket and I used it to keep the tortillas warm, but I couldn't figure out what to do with the other two blankets. I glanced over at Jen and could see that she was using them for something but I couldn't make out how they were being used.

My real stroke of brilliance was when I decided to use the oreo cream to glue the folded tortillas together on my burritos. It would give me extra points for presentation.

When we were finished, Jen's burritos were judged first. The judges commented that they looked nice, but her tortillas were not staying folded. I smiled to myself knowingly.

When they took a bite they commented that her burritos were nice and warm but that they tasted too sweet. Probably she had used all four oreos. I outwardly grinned.

I was confident that my burritos would win, but I was still nervous about the blanket factor. Was there something that I had overlooked?

At this point my alarm went off and I woke up. I will never know what the blankets were for or if my burritos won.

Dreamed on 10/20/2019

The one where I try to join the special forces

Recently I dreamed that I was trying to join the US Special Forces. There was a competition to decide who could join. The competition took place in a sort of boot camp where there were several events to decide which of the candidates would be admitted.

The first event of the competition was a soccer game played inside a barracks room that was filled with bunk-beds. We were split into two teams and I was assigned a position on defense on my team. It was very difficult to play soccer while climbing over and shooting around the bunk-beds, but my team was really good and we demolished the other team. I even scored a couple goals as a defender with amazing shots all the way across the room that avoided bed posts, mattresses, and opposing team members.

The second event took place at the local Jr High. It was a race where the goal was to find the men's restroom. I ran into the building and entered the large common room near the entrance. I glanced down the hallways to the left and right. Near the end of one of them I spied a sign hanging from the ceiling with an arrow indicating that there were men's and women's restrooms around a corner. I ran down that hallway and around the corner but there was only a women's restroom there. I quickly glanced around and finally saw another sign promising restrooms around another corner. I followed the directions and again there was no men's restroom. This continued for quite a while with me running all over the school and I never did find a men's restroom. Maybe I should have stopped to ask one of the students for directions, but I think that was against the rules or something.

As I was running around looking for the restroom, I came across one of the other guys in the competition. This guy had already been in the Special Forces competition four times before and had failed each time to make the cut. This time he was trying his hardest to sabotage the other people in the contest. When I saw him, he was wearing a track suit. Our next event involved scuba-diving so he needed to change into his swimming suit. He had his swimming suit on under his track suit, so he just took his track suit off and asked me to help him fold it up for him. I thought I would show some good sportsmanship by helping my fellow competitor out, but he was very particular about how he wanted the track suit folded and the material the suit was made out of refused to fold in the way he wanted. Sometimes the material would feel like very slippery silk and other times it would be like a thick and rubbery wet-suit. Either way, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get it to fold correctly. Eventually I realized that he was just trying to delay me so I would be late for the scuba event, so I left his track suit on the ground and ran to the scuba area.

Unfortunately, I arrived late to the scuba competition. The other contestants were already in their scuba gear. I was arrested by the military police for being late. They searched all of my belongings, which consisted of a suitcase of clothes and a sack lunch that my mother-in-law (Paula Gamett) had packed for me that consisted of an entire case of s'more flavored ice cream sandwiches. She had also put a small 1" blade folding pocket-knife at the bottom of the sack to help me open the ice-cream sandwiches. But the knife was seen as a security threat and TSA agents were on-hand to arrest me.

As I was being hauled away to prison I glanced at the other competitors. They were heading off for their scuba dive and I saw track-suit-guy with an evil grin on his face laughing to himself. He looked a lot like Snidely Whiplash from the Dudley Do-Right cartoon.

At this point I woke up. I learned several important truths from this dream.
1. I have amazing soccer skills
2. Jr High schools are built like mazes and the bathrooms are impossible to find
3. I would totally have what it takes to be in the Special Forces if my laundry folding skills were better
4. The TSA takes small pocket knives very seriously
5. Never trust a guy that looks like Snidely Whiplash

Dreamed on 12/2/2019

The one where I'm a vegetable enforcer

I dreamed that I was a minor demon working under the Demon of Misery. His goal was to make people as miserable as possible.

I was assigned a position in the Vegetable Enforcement Department. I was given a list of people and I was supposed to visit each person on my route regularly.

If they did not have any vegetables or if they had not purchased enough vegetables then I was supposed to harass them and rough them up so they were motivated to buy more vegetables before my next visit.

If they owned vegetables but weren't eating them then they had to pay a vegetable tax on each can or fresh vegetable they owned.

If they ate them then I was supposed to leave them alone. Eating vegetables made them miserable enough and there was nothing else I needed to do.

I guess it is pretty clear what my subconscious thinks of vegetables.

Dreamed on 11/9/2019

The one with the disreputable horse enthusiasts

I had a dream that a disreputable group of horse enthusiasts came to town. They were upset that all the roads had been turned over to automobiles.

In protest, the humans and horses would hide around the blind corners of roads with high speed limits. As cars came around the corner, the enthusiasts would stick out their feet and hooves and try to trip the cars as they came speeding past.

I'm not entirely sure that they considered the possible repercussions of what they were doing, but fortunately for them all of the cars were able to swerve out of the way to avoid being tripped.

Dreamed on 10/21/2019

The one where I almost become a spy

I dreamed that I was watching an infomercial about spy vs spy operations during the cold war. I could own the complete 97 volume set of vhs cassettes for two easy payments of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling).

I really wanted to order it but I knew Jennifer would give me a look that said, "Where are we going to store all these?!" And, realistically, I don't think I'd have the time to watch ALL of them. So regretfully I didn't place the order.

Now I worry that I may have missed my only chance to know how to defeat a Russian spy in hand to hand combat.

Dreamed on 10/29/2017

The one where I waste my ninja skills

I dreamed that I had awesome ninja skills and I used them to catch small-time criminals and to win at carnival games. I don't think I was living up to my full potential.

Dreamed on 11/4/2017

The one where I am a honey smuggler

I had a dream that I was caught smuggling honey out of North Korea. It was pretty stressful before and after my capture. I don't recommend messing with the North Korean authorities. They take honey smuggling very seriously.

Dreamed on 4/23/2017

The one where I talk about ice cream

I had a dream that I was asked to speak in church about the spiritual benefits of ice cream. One of the flavors I was assigned to talk about was Rocky Road.

Dreamed on 2/3/2017