How to Respond to Bullying

Here's an outline of the recommendations made in a research study on bullying.

Nutshell version

1. Verify
2. Stand up without escalating
3. Report it
4. Fight back (without violence if possible)

Detailed version

1. Determine whether or not the bullying is actual bullying. Is it intended to cause harm? Is it repeated or just one incident? Can it be stopped or is there an imbalance of power that makes your child unable to do anything about it? Bickering between kids is not bullying. Learn the difference and teach your kids the difference.

2. Teach your child to take a stand. Ignoring it is just about the worst thing you can do. Patience is one thing, but teach kids that they have lines that shouldn't be crossed. Teach your child to strongly stand up for themselves verbally. Help them learn how to do this without escalating the situation. It's a little tricky, but they can tell someone to knock it off without threatening anyone or breaking any laws. They should only ask once. Anything else just makes the bullying worse.

3. If the verbal stand doesn't work, they need to report it to someone - and again, once and only once (per person). Tell the teacher and if that doesn't work, go to the principal. If that doesn't do it, go to the police (in most states bullying is illegal and a lot can be done if you have documented things). Anything more than one report is a waste of time. If they don't act, they aren't going to.

4. If that doesn't work, send a written email to the principal explaining that you have reported the situation, and will be taking action yourself since the school has failed to deal with it. Teach your child to fight back. I recommend something that is physical but non-violent like wrestling, jiu-jitsu, or judo. Pinning someone stands up a lot better in court than punching someone's face in. But - the research I worked on clearly showed that victims who fought back didn't have the side effects that pure victims had, and it actually helped bullies stop too. Yes - it is politically uncool - but fighting back is the single best way to help both the victim and the bully.

Additional notes

Bulling turns into terrible things later on. Bullies have much higher rates of incarceration, committing rape and sexual assault, and suicide. Victims are much more likely to be raped or victimized as adults, and have higher rates of suicide and drug use. Fighting back is essential because victims have to get their control back. Do what you have to do, change schools, transfer classes, call the cops - but let your kids know that this will stop. Don't wait months to take action. Anything that lasts more than a few days is way too long. Teach your kids that bullying happens. They aren't ruined for life because they got bullied. In fact, it should make them stronger. But a bully should know that every time they try anything with your child, there will be a response.. every, single, time.

As a side note - most parents of bullies think their kids are the victims. This is why it is so important to define it clearly and be very honest with your kids that if they provoke the situation, their world will get very uncomfortable too. You can't be a victim and a bully - doesn't work that way.

Source: Cougarboard